something bad happened today.
despite my efforts to avoid it.
i feel like Job a lot these days.
two steps forward, ten steps back.
i don’t know who i am here,
and i don’t know how i got here
but I’m thankful i’m not alone.
there are so many people who have such little understanding of just how sick i am and still they support me, and it hurts so much every time i let them down. i just want to do right by them and by me. i don’t even know how you tell relative strangers how you wouldn’t be alive if not for them.
Pharoahe Monch. So proud.
Momma said, “tell the truth and shame the devil. “
Well alright then. I am burnt out, tired and fatigued beyond all else. Working on my last reserve power that has only been supplied by God and the pride He saw fit to instill in me.
No state is permanent. Not anything in life, good or bad, and if you are so inclined to believe in God and His heaven, not even death. So this will be over.
Until then, I am wandering in a dark desert, close to no hope, delirious stumbling in all direction for the way back into light and life.
Bad night but better morning I’m hoping.
Currently trying to be the girl who reads and replies emails from all the corners of responsibility…because I’ve kind of sucked at doing that lately.
I will try my best today, but if I lose my hope, please remind me that your plans are better than my dreams.
I ask myself everyday if I have the strength to do this.
I hate the person I’ve become…so unrecognizable to myself, not to mention everyone else.
I never used to think of myself as a selfish person but now I can’t tell where my selflessness ends and my self-preservation begins.
I keep thinking about that boy from high school. I’ve never felt so close to someone I barely knew. I think it’s just the timing of this whole thing. He must have been so scared, but I understand why he would have been so calm and organised the way he was in the end.
I just wish I could be resolute with either way at this point.